truth be told,
i'm not too keen to enter the year 2009,
yet, reluctantly i did.
i fail to share the same enthusiasm as others,
can't seem to feel hopeful.
how dare i?
yes, i do have a clear idea of my plans this year.
my plans, my steps, laid out.
but for now,
there's this hollowness,
building up in me.
puzzles have come to fit perfectly
things are cloudy no more,
how could i not have known?
how could i have doubted my hunch?
tho, this sudden but expected realisation is not doing me any good.
confirmation to my qualms,
one i would gladly avoid.
but i will, and i must.
i WOULD come to term and deal with it.
denial is my talent, one i would not use this time.
it's been a long deliberation,
to ignore the ache,
consistently telling myself that
i have more than enough reasons to be grateful,
i have no right to allow this gut-wrenching 'feeling' to dwell in me,
I SHOULD BE HAPPY
yet, should i be convinced, would i need much reasoning?
or
i can simply accept the simply fact that i'm indeed not feeling very upbeat.
grateful but just not happy.
make peace with my uproar of emotions
fill in the empty spaces, ridding the hollowness.
how??
work as hard as i may,
do as much as i could,
there would come a time when my head hits the softness of the pillow,
instantly, i'm consumed and overwhelmed by the wave of uneasiness.
its intensity doubles every minute.
eyes closed
thoughts afloat
sleeping, a constant struggle.
to acknowledge or to ignore,
would it have made much of a difference?
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