ran-dom

i miss alot of things.
but mostly, right now,
as of this moment,
i miss having rich, sensible things to say

i must have lost the ability,

whilst exploring the blondie side of me

but then again,

there's nothing much that i have to say anyway.

when you have nothing smart to say,

dont say a thing.

;a term i've come to understand a long time back.

and a term i shall practise this day on.

hello, world.

back from hiatus.
a couple of stuff missing, yes.
but really, can one really delete a person off their life?
if there's a button, i'd press it without a second thought.

the main reason for the initiave?

i need my ranting ground.

pronto.

girls are leaving soon,

ting, yeng,denise, leena.

some are already gone.

this time around,

it feels different,

cause i might be next.

blessed be me if i get to.

but when's the next time i'll see em again?

*sad*

happy birthday to me..

when he doesnt even bother texting you much,

when he doesnt bother calling as much,

when 30 mins on the phone is considered long,

when so much has to be said and done in order for him to spend time with you,

when the rest of the world wishes you happy birthday but him,

when you're fighting back tears on your birthday,

you know where you stand,

your importance, easily measured.

your suspicion is proven right.

your doubts deemed necessary.

you're taken for granted.

now,

WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO ABOUT THAT???

i deserve more than this shit you're giving me.

i deserve to be treated better than this.

how long will you take to realise that?

.

i'm fucking frustrated with what has become of us.
every damn day, i feel like tears are just waiting to run free from em eyes.
i dont need you,
i dont want it,
yet i cant bring myself to leave you,
WHY,
god-damn-it

why cant i do it?!?!

when every fucking day i feel so disconnected,

unappreciated,

a freaking wall flower.

i WANT to end this.

i'm alive...still.

dear lord,
this time around, i need more moo-lah..
there are too many pretty things laying around,
waiting to be adorned,
and i,
can only do so if i have the ka-ching=)
=) =) =)

there're too many things that i NEED.
i had to capitalise the word to show the urgency and truth to it.
mind you,
not want,
but NEED.
*i'm sure you get the point by now*

so, ive been slpin at 4-5 am every night lately..
ahh, slowly killing my skin.
what to do?
yesterday, i laid awake,
suddenly sylvia ganush of drag me to hell came to my mind.
she's one heck of a scary old lady.
fortunately, i have enough thoughts of pretty bags to get her off my mind
eek...slimy flam...*shivers*

other than that,
so very happy cause so many ppl are gona be back.
lin's leaving today tho..
but, others are arriving today or tmr...HAPPINESSS=)

ahemmm...just if you're wondering,
b4 you make assumptions that miss yeoh's unhappy,
just cause i'm actually blogging,
no worries,
these days,
i've been at ease...
painfully blissful,i'd say.
not in a state of bliss,
but not terribly depressed.
they take alternate turns.
so, i'm pretty much numb by now.
things had been stressful, every weekend, i wonder if we're gona fight,
which means not spending the entire weekend together,
or if we're gona b okay,
which means, we'd probably spend the whole weekend together.
people ask,
how do i stand it? not knowing when he'll blow or not?
my answer:
drama's my middle name. ( i happen to have a lot of them, i've realised)

=)

i pray....

dear Lord,

tonight i pray.
i pray that the sun will be brighter tomorrow.
i pray the night would be less lonely.
i pray that i'd do right with my life.
i pray i'd think right.
not with my heart, but with my mind.
i pray i'd make the right choice.
unaffected by emotions, based on past experience.
the past has opened my eyes,
i pray i wont be deluded by feelings.
i pray i wont fail to see pass the facade of things.
i pray i wont fall prey to the wrath of love.
i pray i'd have the wisdom and strength.
come what way, i'd face the storm.
in the name of the Lord i pray,
AMEN

mayhem

the month of may.

it's almost the mid of the year, as much as i've said this before.
as much as it's become inevitable,
it never fails to surprise me how time flies.

this month, i've been with him for a month.
this month, marks the start of my finals.
this month, has been chaotic.

so much has happened, not sure if i could keep up.

things have changed, not sure if i could comprehend.

alteration defies constance.

it's not change that i seek.

if only things could stay the same, even if it's just one day.

when a rock turns into gem,

when beauty turns into beast,

when things turn sour,

what could i possibly turn to?

hidden at a corner,

secretly lurking,

silently stalkin,

threatening to consume,

to devour should i allow it.

FEARs.

stop you ascend.

i fear that things will change.

i fear i'd stand alone.

i fear that it will end.

i fear that i would stop.

i fear that he would quit.

i fear that i'd oblige.

i fear that i'd stay.

i fear that i'd fall.

for the past weeks,

things have not been smooth.

it's hard to realise within a month,

how we're so alike and different.

while things were so magnetic at first,

we're starting to repel, i swear i feel it.

of all the things that convinced me much,

i think i'm starting to sway.

help me find my reasons to stay.

convince me of otherwise.

simply because,

i WANT to.

baby news

old habits die hard,
and mine would be??
blogging only when something's bugging me.

first up, i've been trying to keep things discreet,

low key,

low profile.

not an easy feat when u're living in penang.

*sorry ting, wanted to let things stabilise first*

if there should be any news,

i'm out of my 3-year-long dating hiatus.

it took me two weeks to dive head first into it after two weeks of knowing him

not my usual, typical stunt.

NOTHING close to it.

but i did it somehow.

dont know why,

dont know how i was convinced.

it's just not so typical of me.

yet,

nothing's typical of this relationship.

sometimes people say things,

though they've asked us to take no offence.

sometimes we just cant help but to wince.

*you know, you never fail to make me feel like an ugly duckling*

_i truly mean it_

not too good=(

words;
funny thing arent they?

the power the hold over our emotions,

a word or two could make a huge difference.

some handle them superbly well,

others not as smooth.

but is it really possible for own to control her own figure of speech at all time?

can one really think things through before saying anything?

tho i may not be as idiotic to blab out things that are completely insensitive,

i do have my fair share of mistakes.

what can i say?

i'm only human.

i am not able to disect everything i'm about to say.

i am not capable of steering clear of making offences.

i speak my mind.

=)

while liking someone is not enough to be with someone,
while loving someone is not enough to be married to,
while being married does not mean you've found the love of your life,
what does it come down to?
so unconvincing and vulnerable,
why do we still pour ourselves into it?
doubtful and curious,
how do we feel those two at the same time?
the past, not sure if i want to know.
the future, not sure if i dare to know.
the present, not sure if i really know.

gahh?

blogshop

HELLOOOO....
as you can see...i'm in a good mood today.
cause....
it's finally done!!
yep...my online blogshop.
for those who knew about it de..yes, it's finallyy up.
as for those who didnt,
i think you've figured it out by now.
here's the page.

www.lip-smackin.blogspot.com

cheers!!

a walk down the cemetry

slept at 4 a.m.
woke up at 7 a.m.
went on the whole day.
tired, maybe.
complaning, nope.

i started my day today at the graveyard.

not very typical, i know.

but believe it or not,

i actually find it really peaceful there.

i like the feeling it gives me,

the peace and quietness.

am i weird?

i dont think so.

cause those who've been there with me would think the same.

as oppose to what horror films have imposed on us,

it really has a calming effect.

fresh air, lotsa green,

minimal sunlight peering through the leaves,

leaving us with just enough warmth..

and the PEACE.

the effect it has on me is pure magic.

did i mention the dogs there?

friendly bunch.

friends who've been there with me would have received a ground tour,

the dog's tomb,

the armies',

my grandpa's...

that place intrigues me in ways one can never imagine.

i love stories.

and that place is full of it.

the dates,

the words on the tomb,

the names.

it makes you wonder what they're like,

if the words mirror a certain part of them,

the name, who could the have been.

but there's always one thing i'd notice.

the DATES.

how it all started?

how did it end?

how did they live in that period?

what was it like?

endless questions,

wonders and curiousity.

some were of 18th century,

some 19th..and so on.

the older it is,

the more it interests me.

just by looking at them makes me feel like i'm looking at a part of history.

the abundance of mystery they hold is just captivating.

and today,

one caught my eye.

a 19th century one.

it said E G CULLEN,

i just watched twilight yesterday.

edward cullen is more than 100 years old right?

things like that just sets off imagination.

lol.

..

if things are going fine, why the heaviness?
..
...
....
.....
nope, i dont have an answer to that.
cause things are never really 'fine' to begin with.
there's always going to be mountains in our way,
and we'll always try to make em move.
at what expense; i wouldnt know.

sometimes,

no matter how much you tolerate,

no matter how much you take others into consideration,

it'll just come back and haunt you.

what's there to do when caring turns into hurt?

can one just stop and not be bothered?

or just live with it?

so many things pent up in me,

none i could tell.

i dont know who to turn to.

forgiveness.

anger.

frustration.

how does one open his mouth and ask for help?

..i just cant..

first time!

sunday, 10.00 am
i rushed there expecting to find a few girls in 'uniform' lingering around only to find none.
went up to 'her' got my uniform and changed in the portable sanitary thing aka plastic box for people to pee in.
i sighed a sigh of relief the moment i saw the uniform.
FUIHHHH.......it was neither slutty, nor skanky.
it was actually more decent than the dress i had on before i changed into it.
haha...so much for slutting away for the day.

i was like UBER excited the day before.

probably cause it was my first time working for someone else;

being NEW.

at the same time, i was quite worried.

i mean, i have seen those car roadshow's chics.

painted an interesting mental pic for myself too.

but heck, it's good money.

plus, they didnt even make me put on em boots;

omg, couldnt thank the good lord enough.

so there i went, 5 hours on heels.

had a few interesting encounters as well.

notice i've been using the word interesting often?

cause it was!

fyi, i was a goodyear tyre's promoter,

or so i was told in the midst of everything,

goodyear tyres ambassador.( what what??)

and i was left to stand there to figure out who was who,

boi...i didnt even noe i was talking to my boss until he handed me his namecard.

i thought he was some chiko taking pics with me.

basically, my job was to hand out flyers and SMILE.

first, i handed this man one.

he smiled and asked,

got staff price ah?and a bunch of other stuff.

my reply,

no sir.you can still check out what's going on there.yadayadayada

30 minutes later,

i saw him ushering a bunch of other rich lookin ppl( invited guests)

apparently he's one of those 'up there'

felt like smacking myself in the head right there and then,

SUCH AN IDIOT, i tell ya.

btw, i was referrin to me.

then there's this other fella,

so miss, are these run flat tyres?

me being blur,

huh? what's run flat tyre?

thankfully, another dude came to my rescue,

i was too grateful for his help i couldnt rmb what he said,

until i heard..

erm, that i'm not sure, you'd have to ask her..

her? i asked her and she asked me back the same thing!!

*deiii...sarcastic much????*

tempted to lash back,

i was told to stand here, smile and be pretty ( feel free to keep your opinions to yourself; at least i tried?) and distribute these.pfft!!

my hero, happened to be bmw rep,

i was the ONLY goodyear promoter there and fyi,

they left me there, ALONE

with a bunch of flyers..

no info, no price, no nothing.

gahhh..was i frustrated.

after 5 grueling hours under the hot sun, i practically ran back to my car.

the pay,

i cant complain, of course XD

insomnia....

it's 635 in the morning.

no, i'm not early.

just that i couldnt sleep.

GAHHH......

too many things.

i cant help to think about.

i cannot NOT think about.

something has to be done.

guess a lil

hush.
quiet.
silence's here.

no words.

no sound.

it's here to stay.

the wind.

the echoes.

gone.

welcome.

don't.

leave me be.

alone.

ME.

goodbye.

please.

i plead.

will you?

pfft

frustration overload.
need a new bag.
gahhh

two cents worth

I guess it's about time I write something long and essay-like since I've been spoilt by the grace of micro-blogging. In fact, I've been writing those 5 words sentences so often that I'm beginning to question my ability to actually come up with a decent essay. So here it is, a decent, 'long' blog instead of the usual to prove that my years of essay-writing in high school are yet to be wasted.
It's safe to say that after months of deliriously indulging in the emoness that has become such a vital part of my personality, I'm happier. No, the responsibilities have yet to show mercy but it's alright, I've learnt to embrace it. None the less, despite the extra stuff that I'm plunging into, I feel alot lighter, lighter than how it's been for the past few months.
Over the past few months, I've learnt to let go. I can now rub the scar and not feel it throbs, stare at the past and not to be haunted by it later. From denying everything, I've managed to come to a point where I stop pushing them away. While I've mastered the art of denial, I've come to terms with the art of acceptance as well cause if there's anything I've learnt, when you can deny no more, just take it in. That's my two cents worth right there.

dumb acts

we were chilling, playing cards.
he walked by, shouted hello.
she looked up, returned a smile.
he went on, walked into a metal stand.
we stared at each other,
broke into laughters.
he turned back, murmured good-bye.
embarrassed.

lol.

and i thought stuff like that are too comedic to happen in real life.

e-mode

a promise i've made,
a closure i've drawn.
bonded by a string,
tied into a knot.
undo it you can't,
tighten it, i must.

a line i've drawn,

by force, perhaps so,

by will, i'm not sure.

but what's done, is done.

turn back, please dont.

look back, dare i?

trails have been covered.

tracks, erased.

from oceans to sky,

distance's the limit.

deny it i'll try,

embrace it i cant,

accept it i must.

they say get on,

i say, trying.

they call it pessimism,

i call it reality.