chocolateismy_sin

ran-dom

2010-04-14T19:29:00.000-07:00

i miss alot of things.
but mostly, right now,
as of this moment,
i miss having rich, sensible things to say

i must have lost the ability,

whilst exploring the blondie side of me

but then again,

there's nothing much that i have to say anyway.

when you have nothing smart to say,

dont say a thing.

;a term i've come to understand a long time back.

and a term i shall practise this day on.

hello, world.

2010-02-03T09:44:00.001-08:00

back from hiatus.
a couple of stuff missing, yes.
but really, can one really delete a person off their life?
if there's a button, i'd press it without a second thought.

the main reason for the initiave?

i need my ranting ground.

pronto.

girls are leaving soon,

ting, yeng,denise, leena.

some are already gone.

this time around,

it feels different,

cause i might be next.

blessed be me if i get to.

but when's the next time i'll see em again?

*sad*

happy birthday to me..

2009-07-14T11:14:00.000-07:00

when he doesnt even bother texting you much,

when he doesnt bother calling as much,

when 30 mins on the phone is considered long,

when so much has to be said and done in order for him to spend time with you,

when the rest of the world wishes you happy birthday but him,

when you're fighting back tears on your birthday,

you know where you stand,

your importance, easily measured.

your suspicion is proven right.

your doubts deemed necessary.

you're taken for granted.

now,

WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO ABOUT THAT???

i deserve more than this shit you're giving me.

i deserve to be treated better than this.

how long will you take to realise that?

.

2009-06-30T10:54:00.000-07:00

i'm fucking frustrated with what has become of us.
every damn day, i feel like tears are just waiting to run free from em eyes.
i dont need you,
i dont want it,
yet i cant bring myself to leave you,
WHY,
god-damn-it

why cant i do it?!?!

when every fucking day i feel so disconnected,

unappreciated,

a freaking wall flower.

i WANT to end this.

i'm alive...still.

2009-06-25T00:25:00.000-07:00

dear lord,
this time around, i need more moo-lah..
there are too many pretty things laying around,
waiting to be adorned,
and i,
can only do so if i have the ka-ching=)
=) =) =)

there're too many things that i NEED.
i had to capitalise the word to show the urgency and truth to it.
mind you,
not want,
but NEED.
*i'm sure you get the point by now*

so, ive been slpin at 4-5 am every night lately..
ahh, slowly killing my skin.
what to do?
yesterday, i laid awake,
suddenly sylvia ganush of drag me to hell came to my mind.
she's one heck of a scary old lady.
fortunately, i have enough thoughts of pretty bags to get her off my mind
eek...slimy flam...*shivers*

other than that,
so very happy cause so many ppl are gona be back.
lin's leaving today tho..
but, others are arriving today or tmr...HAPPINESSS=)

ahemmm...just if you're wondering,
b4 you make assumptions that miss yeoh's unhappy,
just cause i'm actually blogging,
no worries,
these days,
i've been at ease...
painfully blissful,i'd say.
not in a state of bliss,
but not terribly depressed.
they take alternate turns.
so, i'm pretty much numb by now.
things had been stressful, every weekend, i wonder if we're gona fight,
which means not spending the entire weekend together,
or if we're gona b okay,
which means, we'd probably spend the whole weekend together.
people ask,
how do i stand it? not knowing when he'll blow or not?
my answer:
drama's my middle name. ( i happen to have a lot of them, i've realised)

=)

i pray....

2009-05-25T11:37:00.000-07:00

dear Lord,

tonight i pray.
i pray that the sun will be brighter tomorrow.
i pray the night would be less lonely.
i pray that i'd do right with my life.
i pray i'd think right.
not with my heart, but with my mind.
i pray i'd make the right choice.
unaffected by emotions, based on past experience.
the past has opened my eyes,
i pray i wont be deluded by feelings.
i pray i wont fail to see pass the facade of things.
i pray i wont fall prey to the wrath of love.
i pray i'd have the wisdom and strength.
come what way, i'd face the storm.
in the name of the Lord i pray,
AMEN

mayhem

2009-05-19T11:20:00.000-07:00

the month of may.

it's almost the mid of the year, as much as i've said this before.
as much as it's become inevitable,
it never fails to surprise me how time flies.

this month, i've been with him for a month.
this month, marks the start of my finals.
this month, has been chaotic.

so much has happened, not sure if i could keep up.

things have changed, not sure if i could comprehend.

alteration defies constance.

it's not change that i seek.

if only things could stay the same, even if it's just one day.

when a rock turns into gem,

when beauty turns into beast,

when things turn sour,

what could i possibly turn to?

hidden at a corner,

secretly lurking,

silently stalkin,

threatening to consume,

to devour should i allow it.

FEARs.

stop you ascend.

i fear that things will change.

i fear i'd stand alone.

i fear that it will end.

i fear that i would stop.

i fear that he would quit.

i fear that i'd oblige.

i fear that i'd stay.

i fear that i'd fall.

for the past weeks,

things have not been smooth.

it's hard to realise within a month,

how we're so alike and different.

while things were so magnetic at first,

we're starting to repel, i swear i feel it.

of all the things that convinced me much,

i think i'm starting to sway.

help me find my reasons to stay.

convince me of otherwise.

simply because,

i WANT to.

baby news

2009-05-11T09:55:00.000-07:00

old habits die hard,
and mine would be??
blogging only when something's bugging me.

first up, i've been trying to keep things discreet,

low key,

low profile.

not an easy feat when u're living in penang.

*sorry ting, wanted to let things stabilise first*

if there should be any news,

i'm out of my 3-year-long dating hiatus.

it took me two weeks to dive head first into it after two weeks of knowing him

not my usual, typical stunt.

NOTHING close to it.

but i did it somehow.

dont know why,

dont know how i was convinced.

it's just not so typical of me.

yet,

nothing's typical of this relationship.

sometimes people say things,

though they've asked us to take no offence.

sometimes we just cant help but to wince.

*you know, you never fail to make me feel like an ugly duckling*

_i truly mean it_

not too good=(

2009-04-14T20:31:00.000-07:00

words;
funny thing arent they?

the power the hold over our emotions,

a word or two could make a huge difference.

some handle them superbly well,

others not as smooth.

but is it really possible for own to control her own figure of speech at all time?

can one really think things through before saying anything?

tho i may not be as idiotic to blab out things that are completely insensitive,

i do have my fair share of mistakes.

what can i say?

i'm only human.

i am not able to disect everything i'm about to say.

i am not capable of steering clear of making offences.

i speak my mind.

=)

2009-04-13T02:30:00.000-07:00

while liking someone is not enough to be with someone,
while loving someone is not enough to be married to,
while being married does not mean you've found the love of your life,
what does it come down to?
so unconvincing and vulnerable,
why do we still pour ourselves into it?
doubtful and curious,
how do we feel those two at the same time?
the past, not sure if i want to know.
the future, not sure if i dare to know.
the present, not sure if i really know.

gahh?

blogshop

2009-04-08T01:06:00.000-07:00

HELLOOOO....
as you can see...i'm in a good mood today.
cause....
it's finally done!!
yep...my online blogshop.
for those who knew about it de..yes, it's finallyy up.
as for those who didnt,
i think you've figured it out by now.
here's the page.

www.lip-smackin.blogspot.com

cheers!!

a walk down the cemetry

2009-03-31T10:19:00.000-07:00

slept at 4 a.m.
woke up at 7 a.m.
went on the whole day.
tired, maybe.
complaning, nope.

i started my day today at the graveyard.

not very typical, i know.

but believe it or not,

i actually find it really peaceful there.

i like the feeling it gives me,

the peace and quietness.

am i weird?

i dont think so.

cause those who've been there with me would think the same.

as oppose to what horror films have imposed on us,

it really has a calming effect.

fresh air, lotsa green,

minimal sunlight peering through the leaves,

leaving us with just enough warmth..

and the PEACE.

the effect it has on me is pure magic.

did i mention the dogs there?

friendly bunch.

friends who've been there with me would have received a ground tour,

the dog's tomb,

the armies',

my grandpa's...

that place intrigues me in ways one can never imagine.

i love stories.

and that place is full of it.

the dates,

the words on the tomb,

the names.

it makes you wonder what they're like,

if the words mirror a certain part of them,

the name, who could the have been.

but there's always one thing i'd notice.

the DATES.

how it all started?

how did it end?

how did they live in that period?

what was it like?

endless questions,

wonders and curiousity.

some were of 18th century,

some 19th..and so on.

the older it is,

the more it interests me.

just by looking at them makes me feel like i'm looking at a part of history.

the abundance of mystery they hold is just captivating.

and today,

one caught my eye.

a 19th century one.

it said E G CULLEN,

i just watched twilight yesterday.

edward cullen is more than 100 years old right?

things like that just sets off imagination.

lol.

..

2009-03-30T12:29:00.000-07:00

if things are going fine, why the heaviness?
..
...
....
.....
nope, i dont have an answer to that.
cause things are never really 'fine' to begin with.
there's always going to be mountains in our way,
and we'll always try to make em move.
at what expense; i wouldnt know.

sometimes,

no matter how much you tolerate,

no matter how much you take others into consideration,

it'll just come back and haunt you.

what's there to do when caring turns into hurt?

can one just stop and not be bothered?

or just live with it?

so many things pent up in me,

none i could tell.

i dont know who to turn to.

forgiveness.

anger.

frustration.

how does one open his mouth and ask for help?

..i just cant..

first time!

2009-03-23T08:22:00.000-07:00

sunday, 10.00 am
i rushed there expecting to find a few girls in 'uniform' lingering around only to find none.
went up to 'her' got my uniform and changed in the portable sanitary thing aka plastic box for people to pee in.
i sighed a sigh of relief the moment i saw the uniform.
FUIHHHH.......it was neither slutty, nor skanky.
it was actually more decent than the dress i had on before i changed into it.
haha...so much for slutting away for the day.

i was like UBER excited the day before.

probably cause it was my first time working for someone else;

being NEW.

at the same time, i was quite worried.

i mean, i have seen those car roadshow's chics.

painted an interesting mental pic for myself too.

but heck, it's good money.

plus, they didnt even make me put on em boots;

omg, couldnt thank the good lord enough.

so there i went, 5 hours on heels.

had a few interesting encounters as well.

notice i've been using the word interesting often?

cause it was!

fyi, i was a goodyear tyre's promoter,

or so i was told in the midst of everything,

goodyear tyres ambassador.( what what??)

and i was left to stand there to figure out who was who,

boi...i didnt even noe i was talking to my boss until he handed me his namecard.

i thought he was some chiko taking pics with me.

basically, my job was to hand out flyers and SMILE.

first, i handed this man one.

he smiled and asked,

got staff price ah?and a bunch of other stuff.

my reply,

no sir.you can still check out what's going on there.yadayadayada

30 minutes later,

i saw him ushering a bunch of other rich lookin ppl( invited guests)

apparently he's one of those 'up there'

felt like smacking myself in the head right there and then,

SUCH AN IDIOT, i tell ya.

btw, i was referrin to me.

then there's this other fella,

so miss, are these run flat tyres?

me being blur,

huh? what's run flat tyre?

thankfully, another dude came to my rescue,

i was too grateful for his help i couldnt rmb what he said,

until i heard..

erm, that i'm not sure, you'd have to ask her..

her? i asked her and she asked me back the same thing!!

*deiii...sarcastic much????*

tempted to lash back,

i was told to stand here, smile and be pretty ( feel free to keep your opinions to yourself; at least i tried?) and distribute these.pfft!!

my hero, happened to be bmw rep,
i was the ONLY goodyear promoter there and fyi,
they left me there, ALONE
with a bunch of flyers..
no info, no price, no nothing.
gahhh..was i frustrated.
after 5 grueling hours under the hot sun, i practically ran back to my car.
the pay,
i cant complain, of course XD

insomnia....

2009-03-18T15:35:00.000-07:00

it's 635 in the morning.

no, i'm not early.

just that i couldnt sleep.

GAHHH......

too many things.

i cant help to think about.

i cannot NOT think about.

something has to be done.

guess a lil

2009-03-18T09:08:00.000-07:00

hush.
quiet.
silence's here.

no words.

no sound.

it's here to stay.

the wind.

the echoes.

gone.

welcome.

don't.

leave me be.

alone.

ME.

goodbye.

please.

i plead.

will you?

pfft

2009-03-17T09:38:00.000-07:00

frustration overload.
need a new bag.
gahhh

two cents worth

2009-03-12T11:07:00.000-07:00

I guess it's about time I write something long and essay-like since I've been spoilt by the grace of micro-blogging. In fact, I've been writing those 5 words sentences so often that I'm beginning to question my ability to actually come up with a decent essay. So here it is, a decent, 'long' blog instead of the usual to prove that my years of essay-writing in high school are yet to be wasted.
It's safe to say that after months of deliriously indulging in the emoness that has become such a vital part of my personality, I'm happier. No, the responsibilities have yet to show mercy but it's alright, I've learnt to embrace it. None the less, despite the extra stuff that I'm plunging into, I feel alot lighter, lighter than how it's been for the past few months.
Over the past few months, I've learnt to let go. I can now rub the scar and not feel it throbs, stare at the past and not to be haunted by it later. From denying everything, I've managed to come to a point where I stop pushing them away. While I've mastered the art of denial, I've come to terms with the art of acceptance as well cause if there's anything I've learnt, when you can deny no more, just take it in. That's my two cents worth right there.

dumb acts

2009-03-11T11:40:00.000-07:00

we were chilling, playing cards.
he walked by, shouted hello.
she looked up, returned a smile.
he went on, walked into a metal stand.
we stared at each other,
broke into laughters.
he turned back, murmured good-bye.
embarrassed.

lol.

and i thought stuff like that are too comedic to happen in real life.

e-mode

2009-03-04T08:55:00.000-08:00

a promise i've made,
a closure i've drawn.
bonded by a string,
tied into a knot.
undo it you can't,
tighten it, i must.

a line i've drawn,

by force, perhaps so,

by will, i'm not sure.

but what's done, is done.

turn back, please dont.

look back, dare i?

trails have been covered.

tracks, erased.

from oceans to sky,

distance's the limit.

deny it i'll try,

embrace it i cant,

accept it i must.

they say get on,

i say, trying.

they call it pessimism,

i call it reality.

...

2009-03-02T10:04:00.000-08:00

i used to chase after perfection,
now, perfection haunts me.

help?please...

2009-02-18T09:59:00.000-08:00

i've made a decision.

i must not chicken out

kisses for you

2009-02-13T09:03:00.000-08:00

first of all,
happy vday to all ma girls!!

thanks for all tht's been done for me,
thanks for your company,
thanks for your support.

as cliche as this might be,
i dont get mushy quite often...

MWAHS MWAHS MWAHS

ARGHHHH

2009-02-09T23:50:00.000-08:00

today started off fine, unsuspecting...
until a series of unfortunate events started to unfold...

one by one, seemingly harmless at first

my day's plan in order:

1. french

2.bank

3.disted

4.home

rushed to french, as usual.

time just isnt my best forte.

halfway thru the class,

i realised i forgot my phone.

left it under the covers, no big deal.

class ended, so headed over to the bank.

ka-ching...no parking lot.

then this dude was motioning to the back of my car,

hand gestures....very puzzling.

so, apparently, i had a flat tyre.

i think along the way, i had 2 more ppl showing concern.

since when did people become so observant and kind?

since recession started?

next, initial stage of panic attack commenced.

"dang it, no phone...how??"

fine, i prayed i'd reach my nearest home(not the one where i left my phone-.-)

i dont mean to sound like a bimbo, but i know nuts bout cars.

took an extra phone, headed over to shell.

well, at least the dude was kind enough to give discount.

10 bucks ne.

was in a hurry, so headed over to a bank nearby.

there, sitting directly in the middle of a narrow road,

blocking the entire traffic flow,

a stupid big, black car driven by an absolute ningcompoop.

gahhhh,...had to go a BIGG round.

IT was still there when i finally parked my car.

went down, glared at whoever who was behind those heavily tinted windows.

went into the bank, came out, still glaring.

seriously..some people..they drive such big, exclusive cars...but their mentality is similar to the shell of their oh-so-posh car....EMPTY.gossshhh

oh wait, he probably use that to store all his cash and forgot to spare some space for this thing called, COMMON SENSE and ETIQUETTE

i mean come on, i dont drive the biggest car, neither am i the best-mannered person you'd meet,still, i'd have the courtesy to not cause traffic obstuction however small my car may be or however desperate i may be. pfft!

went over to disted...hoping and praying hard ,

that that's the end of my unlucky curse.

but, nooo.....it wasnt.

waited for more than 30mins for the clerk to comfirm something.

fyi, i paid and am still paying, and will be paying for my own fees, how can i not b clear?

3 times i paid, i've oni refunded my caution fees twice..damn it i aint gona pay more.

decided i was short on time and not willing and very to keen to waste anymore time than i've wasted on this uncalled- for debate.

i'll just have to go back and dig up them resits.

*now where did i put em?*

was supposed to pick up some stuff on the way,

but cant really remember the route...

decided not to push ma luck any further, and went home.

ahh...finally had something to eat.

for now, i'm safe.

dot dot dot

2009-02-04T09:06:00.000-08:00

chinese new year came,
chinese new year went...
dare i doubt the fact that time flies?

it seemed like just yesterday,
when i greeted 2009.

it's february already,
i've barely noticed.

i think i've boarded,
the bullet train.

by mistake or not,
life takes off once you're 18.

everything seems faster,
pull the brakes, clearly not an option.

ps: i feel so out of touch

emo-nyeeee

dah dum!

2009-01-21T02:12:00.000-08:00

i'll admit,
today was not as auspicious as i've hoped it would be.

woke up at 10 a.m

"ting!!results out de....faster go check, then tell me k!!"

kayin la tu...enthusiastic melebih-.-

that kid got pretty sweet grades.

good for him.

and no, he doesnt know yet.

my phone's credit's dead.

results were fine.

not good, but ALRIGHT.

moving on....

you know what urks me lately?

my french teacher.

i can already sense that this sem was not going to be pretty.

taking beginner 4 and intermediate 5 at the same time.

not all teachers are as obnoxious, and HE isnt entirely as well.

but, there's just something bout him that makes me wanna GAHHHHHHH.

i'd blame the aura.

he has this lil smirk thing going on.

very successful one as well.

makes you feel like the most idiotic person on earth,

and he does it soooo friggin effortlessly.

i almost envied him for that.

another thing is, what's up with french and geography?

these people seem to know the entire world atlas by heart.

no kidding, they know their shits.

so right, we've always been quizzed on geography in class.

the best i could manage was:

i'm sorry, our syllabus went as far as southeast asia.

not that i was ever bothered to have the 'extra' knowledge.

but i'll tell you..

after the series of SMIRKS.

that's it...

i've had enough.

list of countries with their respective capital and languages practised.

ALL OF THEM tabulated.

i now have in my hands,

19 sheets of tables.

and,

i'mma memorise them.

*sheesh*

...

2009-01-20T00:33:00.000-08:00

tease me all you want after this,
but heck..you try to think straight when desperation kicks in!

so right,

i was looking at the 'chinese calendar'

21st of January...

it says....

ahak!

AUSPICIOUS DAY

whoot~~

not bad..not bad.

updates...not reallyy

2009-01-20T00:13:00.000-08:00

results are going be out tomorrow...
am i hyperventilating yet??
aha...not YET.
but the nerves are DEFINITELY getting to me
*runn!!!!!!!*

i was thinking...

dare to be different.

an easy line to say,

an easy line to agree on.

easy to follow?

*smirks* you tell me that...

i was thinking,

what if i prefer to skip the uni life..

and start my own business...

own business at 18.

it's sounds great and stupid at the same time.

blablabla...

if it fails...you've got nothing to back you up...

what if you succeed?

yes you might fail....

you'll learn...

the road less taken..

dare i be different?

haha...i'm too much of a chicken.

*oh wells*

always the chicken...

mad woman!

2009-01-14T09:52:00.000-08:00

no matter how nicely i try to put this, it's gonna come out pathetic..so why bother neh?
it's the twentieth time i've been scrolling down my contact list...
frankly, there isnt a single soul out there that i could talk to, whine to if you'd prefer that.
who'd entertain ma nuisance.
while i want to talk to someone, i dont feel like it at the same time.
there isnt anything tht i wanna talk about. hence nothing to say anyway.
but i cant stand staring into the ceiling, not being able to sleep.
so the whole, i wana talk, yet i dun feel lk discussing anything at the same time, is frustrating.

i've resolved to coming online. NO ONE's here-.-
so i took out the solitaire thingy...and man the pegs are scary.

one sideof it is the shape of a star, the other, a fugly creepy looking clown.*shivers*

perhaps my final resolution would be me, getting a brick, putting it next to ma bed
so i can just knock myself out when i have to.i doubt counting sheeps would work.
reading? lids are too heavy, tired and sleepy, but i cant sleep...
do i sound crazy?
*happy thoughts* *happy thoughts* *happy thoughts*
repeated chanting.....

I AM CRAZY!!!

okie, if you would kindly ignore whatever that has been said up there.

thank you.

rantings....pfft

*someone please slap the shit outta me*

-.-

2009-01-12T21:16:00.000-08:00

10:30 am

i heard a buzz from somewhere above my head, very persistent one indeed.

i swear, there's no greater annoyance and agitation

than disruption of my sleep.

it's serious business, no kidding.

if i've not warned you, now i do.

my sleep is not to be disturbed=)

so right, the no was 22...something something...

i thought it was bird mouth, te

irritated, i answered..in a tone, with an attitude..lol..

not pretty.

" WHAT?!?! hamisu?!?"

a laughter came through...

"bonjour, cava?? how are you my dear??"

oh shits~

ma professeur de francais?

yeah, what a morning.

-.-

halting stop

2009-01-12T07:55:00.000-08:00

xanga finally stopped being a bitchXD

lets see how long it can keep its bitchening acts to itself..

HAK...bitch.

anyway..i was surprised to see that it's not entirely dead.

i thought no one would go there by now.lol.

ah well....SMILES

=)

2009-01-12T06:42:00.000-08:00

just watched mixing with the best outta boredom..
i must say...i got REALLY thirsty after that..=)
coincidentally, they were shooting at france, paris to be exact..
cocktail heaven..HEAVENLY!!

hence, it's ma new personal mission to:
1. make sure i try out as many cocktails as i can in one lifetime around the globe
2. have a full bar in ma home in future

whoever said cocktails are for pussies is wrong...
these pretty lil things are to die for..
and they dont get you pissed drunk...
the colours!!

of all things i could write...

2009-01-07T10:41:00.000-08:00

of all things she can forget,
she forgot how to smile.
of all things she knows,
she knows not how to laugh.
of all things she could lose,
she lost her grip on things.
of all things she can remember,
she couldnt recall happiness.
of all things she can realise,
she realised, it's too late.

of all people she can fight,

it's her, she's fighting.

of all things she can see,

she sees what could have been.

of all people she can trust,

it's her now, she cant.

of all things she can hear,

her heart echoes silence.

of all that she regrets,

genuine bliss tops the list.

when is too much, overwhelming?

when is too little, depriving?

who's to know, which is right and what not?

if there's indeed a book,

depicting right from wrong,

would we swear by it?

the art of denial

2009-01-05T23:08:00.000-08:00

denial,

my constant companion and practice of late,
faithful and loyal,
the first i run to when faced with doubts,
simplest of all solutions it seems,
an easy exit to matters of all sort.
conducting it however,
i could only wish was as simple.

the art of denial,
i'm proud to master.
acknowledgement before denial,
is the fundamental step.
acceptance of the fact you ought to deny,
then, deny the fact you've come to accept.
ironic, you say?
indeed so, like most of the things in life.

yet, can a master of denial deny pain?

hurt above all else,

disappointment and what not?

can one deny uncontrollable surge of emotions?

intensified with every attempt of denial.

can one regret what that has been denied,

along with it,

what that has been accepted?

on the other note,

musnt one be convinced,

a theory be laid out,

with reasons to uphold,

before acceptance can be made?

confusing and complicated,

with quite an interesting twist,

to comprehend reality,

we propose theories,

supported by excuses, only too easy to be made up,

which in return, accepted,

only to be denied in the end.

are you not confused yet?

follow if you may,

tell me I think too much,

yet, could you not agree with me?

accept my humble piece of perspective on life,

only to deny later that life isnt as complicated as it seems.

see, DENIAL.....rather inevitable,no?

happy new year...not quite

2009-01-05T22:13:00.000-08:00

1-1-09

truth be told,

i'm not too keen to enter the year 2009,

yet, reluctantly i did.

i fail to share the same enthusiasm as others,

can't seem to feel hopeful.

how dare i?

yes, i do have a clear idea of my plans this year.

my plans, my steps, laid out.

but for now,

there's this hollowness,

building up in me.

puzzles have come to fit perfectly

things are cloudy no more,

how could i not have known?

how could i have doubted my hunch?

tho, this sudden but expected realisation is not doing me any good.

confirmation to my qualms,

one i would gladly avoid.

but i will, and i must.

i WOULD come to term and deal with it.

denial is my talent, one i would not use this time.

it's been a long deliberation,

to ignore the ache,

consistently telling myself that

i have more than enough reasons to be grateful,

i have no right to allow this gut-wrenching 'feeling' to dwell in me,

I SHOULD BE HAPPY

yet, should i be convinced, would i need much reasoning?

i can simply accept the simply fact that i'm indeed not feeling very upbeat.

grateful but just not happy.

make peace with my uproar of emotions

fill in the empty spaces, ridding the hollowness.

how??

work as hard as i may,

do as much as i could,

there would come a time when my head hits the softness of the pillow,

instantly, i'm consumed and overwhelmed by the wave of uneasiness.

its intensity doubles every minute.

eyes closed

thoughts afloat

sleeping, a constant struggle.

to acknowledge or to ignore,

would it have made much of a difference?

c'est la vie!

2008-12-27T21:49:00.000-08:00

first of all,

MERRY BELATED CHRISTMAS!!!

i had a blastttt....AWESOMENESS.

eve was great and the same amount of enthusiasm continued to flow all the way into xmas day..

managed to see almost everyone,

uber happiness!!XD

xmas greeted me at the stroke of midnight with well,

a slab of lubricant on ma hands..

no, i was getting into any bedroom action.

rather, with bizarre gifts,

comes bizarre ways of 'sharing'.

so yea, fun it was.

company was just over the top.

love.love.love.

as for today,

JE TE MANQUE

someone i truly, dearly care about left for uk today,

it just hit me a lil while ago,

tht he's gone-.-

yesterday, was a repetition of a scene 2 years ago,

same scene,

same people,

HIM n HER,

but viewed with a completely opposite perspective.

not even a single,tingly signal down my spine.

*smiles*

goodbye was the only thing on my mind.

HAIHS.

and guys, it's not that i don't appreciate you as much,

even if i nvr had little projects set aside for ya,

just that goodbyes were nvr possible or necessary with you.

forgive me, aite?=)

AVRIL,

c'est loin, non?

wonder what would ( or might) have changed by then eh?

3 in 1, hardly the best bargain

2008-12-23T07:00:00.000-08:00

it's true when they say you meet 3 guys in one lifetime,

your first love,

the one you truly love (the most),

and the one you marry.

very rarely,

like a precious gem,

that you can find all these 3 guys,

in one person.

it's sad that i have to acknowledge the fact that i can never find all 3 in one..

and i truly envy those who can..i mean,

what are the odds, right?

marrying your first love ,

seems like a fairytale now.

yet the idea of being able to give yourself as a WHOLE to the person you ought to marry,

with your heart still intact, never shattered,

hopes well preserved,

reality unimportant,

dreams undeterred;

seems too good to be true.

my belief in love had been shaken,tested.

it's not a game that i excel it,

what's the smart thing to do?

what's the RIGHT thing to do?

i've been taught to abstain from things that burn,

should i?

SOUR

2008-12-21T08:58:00.000-08:00

if there's such a thing called lucky streak,

my life would have been the exact opposite for last week,

chaotic might have been an understatement even.

so much so that it can be made into a reality series,

probably even worth watching reruns of it.

afterall, u dont watch shows lk tht unless it involves

the person being drained with an avalanche of absolute shitty situations

and then her clawing her way outta it or drowning along with it.

i'm not gonna even play it down.

it WAS that bad.

on the other note,

nothing's more disgustingly annoying,

and painfully pathetic,

than absolute indulgence in self pity.

much to my horror, the past week was encouraging THAT do come upon me in FULL FORCE.

for an instant, i actually took pity in my horrendous fate.

and NOT feel guilty about it.

YUCK!

ran into a long last friend as well.

yep,

LOST would be the right word.

thanks in great part to me i guess.

he was just this one person i was dead convinced i'd nvr run into,

or at least the last person i'd expect to run into.

but,i'm glad i did.

made me realise how much time has changed things.

in a good,positive way.

hopefully, things will take a turn soon.

i'm quite worn out.

thus, sorry if i've been acting lk a cold hearted bitch.

my mood was sour.

yes, not the best excuse but the only REASON i can come up with.

buhybyes xanga......hellusss blogspot

2008-12-10T06:06:00.000-08:00

after DAYS...and i mean DAYSSS..

of not being able to post ONE single entry due to the uber bitchy 'attitude' xanga was giving me,

i've finally decided,

I AM MOVING.

for days, i've been deprived of letting my words( if not thoughts ) run free.

almost as if it was clogging my mind.

dang it.

so here i am...HELLOSSS=)

ps: i've had enough of u, xanga. go on, be a bitch